Tanquillity Blankness and And a two year anniversary

Its been long since I wrote a post about random things!! This is because its never easy to be truthful to your thoughts, and its even more difficult to pen down truths. After a tough three months, I am now back to the familiar surroundings!! And I have been dodging all familiar "what are u going to do after graduation" question! Dodging it here too, i will move on to a thing that I know the answer for sure. How long have I been blogging??  Its been 2 years since I started doing serious blogging. 2 long years of knowing myself and enjoying the beauty of sharing with others, my creative thoughts.

Though my blog title says "I just write for myself", every time I come to my blog, I do hope for a new comment. I have got only 3 comments from ppl unknown till now. Only 3!! Possibly I should start writing some controversial thing!! Naa, not worth it. Initially I used to advertise every new post in multiple sources, but now have cut down on that too. I will not be advertise this post too. But from the next post will be back to posting on several networking sites.  It’s not a crime to expect abundant adulation for what one believes is true talent. Lolz!! 


I wanted to write something straight from the heart!! But bed is calling and sleep is finally knocking my door!! So thank you readers, followers and ppl who commented on this blog!! Good bye for now!! 

To be or not to be!!

Along the banks of the river Rhine,
I walk along searching for words that rhyme,
To mask the thoughts about the past,
And forget the deed i detest the most,

Connecting to you is out of my reach,
So i talk to my soul but cant preach,
“Get past the error and move on with a smile,
It was petty but not vile, To invoke such a strong rile,"

The hope of seeing the light in my paths ahead,
And reflecting off  the confused soul inside,
Wanting but not waiting for a milestone,
Or a noble comrade to guide,

But now the broken pride gleaming bright,
Clouding the trust I broke,
Taking solace that I at least again tried,
To mend, swallowing my pride,

Marauding on carrying a latent pain with glee,
I am soft, but not weak to again plea,
The optimist in me will always hope,
Possibly in vain that "that angel" in you will be invoked,

True to the words of L.Cohen,
"Like a bird on a wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir,
I have tried in my way to be free"

Over coming Depression /Mood swings

Recently I read somewhere that 1 out every 10 persons have clinical depression at some point of their life. Here u can find a few signs. But these are sort of extreme. Is it not? Most of us have lows and at some point feel empty and useless, though not clinically depressed!! Listed below are a few instantaneous remedies that have been beneficial for me. Please do remember its a personal opinion and I am no shrink!!  

Physical health vs mental health:
Physical fitness is an important aspect of our well being. It also has immense power to cheer us up!! A brisk walk, a long run, a nice cycle ride  etc!! Endurance sports other than making us physically fit, do impact our self confidence in a positive way. Personally I have 2 suggestions:

1. Running!! A simple way to relax yourself!! But we do need a motivation to run and sometimes its boring. But if u begin to enjoy running, its a wonderful self relaxing tool and u can never suffer from insomnia. Here is a useful link for wannable runners. U can follow the schedule even if u dont wanna run a half marathon!!
2. 100 pushups A friend of mine suggested this website to me!! Its an interesting scheduling and if we can do 100 push ups in 6 weeks we can do almost everything :D!!

So when your mood swings are gone, u would be in an awesome physical shape also!! Sorry Gautham Menon for laughing at you after watching Vaaranam Aayiram!! (The protagonist overcomes depression by getting a 6 pack which was ludicrous for me then!!)

Work Work Work!!

"Idle mind is a devil's workshop". So when you are feel low, keep yourself as much busy as possible!! If possible work 18 hrs a day!! So working means not just your professional life, but doing anything and everything!! Other than sleeping you must have almost no time to contemplate!! Working could be learning new things, doing some chores that you have been postponing or anything!! It could need no intellectual demand or it could drain your brain!! The latter is better. Learn new things, explore new stuffs. If you see its a superset of the previous point!! But it is very difficult as we are hardly at our productive best when not cheerful!! But who cares about productivity when one is feeling low :P!!

Target Small successes!!

Its mostly the time when we wont have much personal successes that u are feeling low. So a nice way to cheer ourselves would be to   break our day today activities into small competitions or trials!! Like if you are daily catching ur train at a particular time, leave your house 5 min late and try to catch the train on time! Dont ask me what will happen if I miss the train??? I have no answer!! But If you can catch the train, you have actually won something!! Savor that!! Build on such small things!! Making a schedule and sticking to it, winning a freecell game, completing an easy task quicker than usual  are some other examples!! Build on these small successes!! Again if you carefully analyse, its a superset of points mentioned above and is possibly the most difficult of the three points till now!!

Mother Nature!!
It is good to appreciate the things around us. Mother nature has so many things  serene and eclectic, that have the power to cheer us up.  This is the only thing that requires absolutely no effort from us. The beaches, cheerful chirpy birds, a calm sunrise or a sunset, a bunch of kids playing and many more.   

Have a creative outlet!!

Thats where hobbies are so wonderful. Do something so you can play the role of a creator!! And importantly appreciate it yourself than expecting others to do so. So blogging, writing, singing, dancing, photography, cooking and even playing sports!! Dennis Bergkamp for me is as creative as Pablo Picasso. Also try to pen your thoughts in a dairy or MS Word file. It has a two way benefit. You can understand better why u are/were depressed and have a hearty laugh when you go through those stuffs again at a later time.

Share if possible!!

Its always easy to share one's success. But we rarely share our fears and insecurities. Its always good to have a few ppl with whom you can do this and who are ready to accept you for what you are, rather than for what  you have done. But please make sure you select the right people!! Because this is a double edged sword and can have serious detrimental effect also.  And not always people will have time for you!!

 Seinfeld, panchatantiram and catch 22

If an episode of seinfeld cant cheer you up, better take up professional help. For tamil movie fans, watch panchatatantiram - the kamal classic especially the half an hour before the intermission. For people who love reading, Catch-22 is the book to go to!! All these are so relaxing in the short term, but its better to avoid an obsession!! Like watching 20 episodes together :D!! 

So I have penned down 7 points that personally has helped me. Listening to music, praying and meditation also have been suggested!! Overcoming a low point does not mean becoming successful instantaneously(though this is the ultimate goal), but losing the fear of failure. And a few concluding points, begin to enjoy spending time with yourself. If you cant spend time with yourself, no one else will :P and you cant expect others to also. And do forgive yourself and dont ruminate in the past!! We all make mistakes but shd learn from them and move on. Make mistakes but never repeat them an interesting article by harsha bogle.. If someone says "I have never made mistakes in my life" the person must have died 10 minutes after his/her birth :D!!

Any success after you have  buried your lows tastes a lot better(A feeling eternally cheerful cannot have :P). One can savor it like a Mysore pak attired with ghee melting in your mouth!! Even if one cant control his/her emotions, the actions can always be controlled. I do think that the mental well being does not get as much recognition as it deserves. Life is too short to have regrets and like krishna said, "Live life king size". If you think there are other methods that could help ppl, share for sure.  And dont hesitate to get professional help if you think its necessary!! 

Inception

"When I opened my eyes, I had no idea where I was. The red lighting, the slippery ground and the entire environ  had a eerie  feeling to it. How did I get inside and where was I? And why am I not "there"  I absolutely had no strength. All I saw was huge strands of slimy red pipes. Like a new born baby I was confused. The voice in my mind was echoing that I had to reach my destination and wake my master off his slumber. The time left is so little. Slowly I gathered all my buffer strength, I stood up and looked around. I started running like it was the end of the world.  I was in a maze. Neither in the middle nor at the end. I need to communicate and do it fast.

As I moved along the labyrinth, i sensed the presence of others. Others who were just like me. Not all of us can reach the master. I have to be the one. For my masters sake. I saw an open door and started running. Two of us were running towards it. The cynic I was, i tripped "the other" off the path and entered the door. Its the survival of the fittest and there is no time reminiscing whats happening around you. For all the effort this could be the wrong door.  Still  my path to my destination is not clear.This could after all not be the right path. And yet I could be right there and not know that for a fact.Now and then I poked around the wall to find something or trigger something. To make my presence felt I was hitting the side walks again and again. I know my master is looking for me. I am the answer to his quest. But this maze is starting to piss me off.

Suddenly the light went off and everything turned pitch dark. A big jerk pushed me off my feet. I exactly know what my master is trying to do. He would be in pain. Its his SOS call. Come on do something!! Something fast!! Its almost the end And back came the light. Probability of finding the destination is only 0.2. I hate the mathematicians. Why did he not take the damn pills or do some yoga??? But I am not gonna give up. Just then I got a thought. I broke of the electric connections around the corner. It was a high voltage connection. And I rammed it into the slimy red wall. It sent a shock wave around. I know i am almost there. Its now or never with all my might for one last time and I rammed it in. BOOM."

Its  the bloody Van der waals force. He hit his head hard again with the pencil for not remembering it earlier. And he wrote it down in his answer sheet. 

Fight against the solitude

Behold the solitary soldier,
All alone running merrier,
From a beast whose diabolical strength,
Has driven the best to the very depth,
Of hell unknown to the mundane,
Taking the fearless warrior to the nadir,
Of confidence and plant the seeds,
Of self doubt and despair,

Just as the negativity around,
began to engulf me into a state profound,
Doubting the very roots,
Which once housed a cherubic personality,
Confused at the pace of the environ,
Muddled at the loss of the control,
And was ready to surrender,
like a petty man with a broken spine,

The fearless warrior turned around,
Piercing the beasts' eyes with his vision,
"Is that all you have got???"
His words made the despicable one,
Boil with a rage unknown,
And this rage fuelling the warrior's might,
Making my presence as important as a troll nearby,

A sharp pain at the depth of my heart,
The pain of rendering myself useless,
The pain of being a nobody,
sparked a will buried unknown to me,
And the impulse drew a stone,
Which traveled like a bullet hurting the beast,
And i laughed at the ungainly beast,
"Catch me if you can"
And so I am entering the race,
Hoping to give the beast the fight it deserves.

The Rendezvous

I could sense the chill in my spine. I did not expect this. I checked the RSVP list. Twice. Her name was not there. But there she was right in front of me. My first crush / infatuation /fling or whatever one can call. Standing in full, 20 m away. Sipping a cup of tea and chatting with a few others. Her posture was majestic and she had an aura around her. All those around her were looking so petty. "Mrs.Ramesh" read her name tag. No wonder she did not call me to her wedding. We had a messy break up long back. The nervousness was not because of any latent feeling i harbour but the dread of an awkward rendezvous. 

Keeping my face stoic i remained as far away from her as I could and did not want to give my eclectic band of maverick buddies a chance to poke fun at me. But still her presence stirred up more than a few memories from the past. Her presence made me forget that I had brought my wife here for a couple of minutes. The tenth year reunion of my Alma matter is not exactly the best place for her to socialise. Still she was doing way better than I expected. She knew everyone from the gang and they were busy explaining her, what a wonderful haven this place was. She was one more reason I did keep my distance from Mrs.Ramesh. Thankfully it looked like she was enjoying her time. This is our first trip together after our marriage. "Guys lets go to the cafeteria. It’s been a long time and I have been telling too many delicious stories about it to Namratha. I am sure she would love the snacks there. " I smiled at my wife. We are getting to know about each other better every passing day. The entire gang was ready and the cafeteria used to be our favourite hangout spot during the college days.

Two rounds of bajis and a glass of fresh juice quenched our appetite for food and nostalgia.  “Hey karthik!! How have you been doing!!? Its been a long time”.  It was Mrs.Ramesh. Bloody hell,  Why this kolaveri di!!  “Hey anitha!! Yup its been more than a decade now. How are you??” “I am a wife, mother and a corporate gal. You are still at ABC corp?” “Yup, the same place. Sort of used to the comforts there. “  And then she started to greet the rest of the people. “ Heard you got married.  Wont you introduce me to your wife? “ She asked this with a naughty smile. The very same awkward moment that I wanted to avoid is now thrust upon me. I smiled at her and called Namratha. I could hear a few giggles amongst my friends. I somehow avoided and rather forgot to mention anitha to her till now. “This is Namratha. We got married last month. And she is working in XYZ corp. “ Before i could introduce Anitha, she said “I am Anitha!! I was his classmate in college. Hope he mentioned me to you about me. We were quite an item during our college days.” My heart skipped a beat. I did not expect this. Why the hell one bring up a forgotten chapter now?  “Of course he had told me about you. It’s nice finally to meet you”. There was a complete silence and I could hear nothing. The same words kept ringing in my head again and again!! Rest of the conversation did not register in my head at all. I am just glad that I had this rendezvous with my companion for life.

The mirror

Be glad there's a place in the world, 

That resonates the name in the cold, 

The overwhelmed reverence of the arrival,

Just reading the name from the list for survival,

Waiting for a sound to sate the monster,

Its just a placebo and a gesture,

For i want a space which i have never felt,

A possibility suffices to make  my heart melt,

or that maybe you swept my feet off the ground,

or may be i am clouded with the fear of not being around,

the warmth of thoughts about you,

lingering long after you are gone,

I wish i had known you better when we met,

I wish you learnt better about me when we met,

but ill get it off my mind, ill try the best i can,

ill remind myself you arent mine,

Even if it aint, I Want to last it a bit longer,

opening my eyes, it wont be hard,

opening my mind, not sure, but i will still be on guard!!!